Welcome home, I’m really glad you’re here joining me in this first episode. I’ve really been itching for a long time to share with you on a deeper level and for the past few years actually I’ve had this inner whisper to help people emotionally heal.
But for a long time, and I can still feel it when I choose to tune into my past feelings, I felt unworthy and broken.
My trauma felt permanent.
My heartbreak felt permanent.
And my inner loneliness felt permanent.
But after discovering inner child work, I was able to find the power I had within.
To surrender to feeling the painful feelings of my wounded child.
To call in my inner mother to give me nurturing and reassurance.
To my soul purpose of helping people to heal emotional wounds.
To the healing community that is now Star Child Sister.
So I’m really excited right now, to see where this takes me, because I feel like I’m in my element and living in alignment with myself. It’s a good feeling.
I’m also excited to see how this platform will help me grow my connections and speak to leaders in healing and the transformation industry, because for a long time I’ve wanted to grow and expand my soul family.
So, I’ve had a lot of insecurities and imposter syndrome in the past that has held me back from doing this. The fear of being visible, the fear of judgement, the fear of rejection and all the things.
But through doing a lot of healing in 2020, I’ve found more compassion for myself and I’m finally giving myself the permission to not be perfect and embrace the feminine energy of being in flow and trusting the process.
I think sometimes we can judge ourselves when we’re going through changes or transitions, because there’s uncertainty and we’re figuring out how we’re going to fit into a new space. We can fear making mistakes or looking incompetent or looking like a fool, but actually there’s no such thing as mistakes, there’s only lessons.
And so, for us to come home to emotional wholeness and worthiness, it means taking risks. It means asking ourselves the questions:
Am I willing to let go of the need of being liked?
Am I ready to be authentic?
Am I ready to speak my truth and risk ruffling some feathers?
Am I ready to share my unique tone with the world, even though everybody might not agree with me?
It’s in these awkward and uncomfortable transitions in life that we really find our voice, and the more we live in alignment, our higher self and our highest good, our life moves forward much smoother.
Now, you may have been following my blog for the past few years and I wanted to strengthen our connection and create a space for you where we can talk about our deepest fears, vulnerabilities, truths and share spiritual wisdom that we might not be able to share anywhere else.
And if you’re like me, then you’re often the one at the party looking for an authentic or meaningful connection, seeking out someone you can have a heart to heart with. Sometimes you find it, sometimes you don’t, sometimes it surprises you. Maybe you’ve spent your whole life seeking a deeper connection and you don’t feel like you’ve found it yet.
In my experience, nobody leaves their childhood without experiencing a deep inner void that just wants to belong. We all come out of childhood with a need to belong void and I’ve never met anyone who’s had that completely filled in before they leave childhood.
So I hope that with this podcast you’ll have a safe haven you can return to when you feel alone, disconnected, empty, unworthy and you have some practices and tools you can use to return home.
But before we dive in, let me share with you my story and how I came across inner child work.
So I’m a Transformational Coach and I work with rising leaders to help them to cultivate inner intimacy, so they can create emotional wholeness and inner power in their lives, and all the work that I do is based upon this philosophy that every choice we make in our lives is motivated by the desire to feel connected to someone, or every choice we make is driven by the fear that we will be lost, rejected or abandoned and cultivating this sense of inner safety, inner intimacy and unconditional love, gives us the unconditional love and support we need to create wholeness and worthiness.
I discovered this after years of feeling this chronic nagging feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness. It was as if I had spent my entire life longing for connection and feeling this intense pain of grief and depression, as a result of not getting my emotional needs met as a child.
I carried this emotional neglect into my adult life and attracted emotionally unavailable friends and relationships. And for the past 3 years of living in total isolation, I’ve found space to do the deep inner work and come back to myself again. At first I was terrified of being alone and I used avoidance mechanisms to distract me from feeling the pain as I believed that I couldn’t handle it. I did it through binge eating, spending, drinking and the loneliness started to creep in more and more. I’d have periods of emotional outbursts where I’d call people from a sense of panic and feel powerless, helpless and overwhelmed by my isolation and loneliness. And at the core, I believed that I couldn’t handle my own pain.
Something that really resonated with me when I came across inner child work was that our inner child is the echo of the child that we once were. So if we’re triggered or we feel ourselves overreacting, it’s because the hysterical is historical.
It wasn’t until I came across inner child work that I was able to listen to my inner child and give little Vicky the love and validation she needed. Since then I’ve been developing this beautiful relationship between my inner mother and my inner child.
When we realise that the cry we hear from deep within our hearts comes from the wounded child, it’s easier to understand where our hurt comes from. We can have more compassion for ourselves and see that we’re not reacting as adults, but as the powerless and helpless children we once were.
So instead of looking for love outside of ourselves and self-abandoning ourselves, we can create this inner intimacy and closeness within.
And what I love about this process is that you’re in control of it. You can cultivate this inner connection with yourself and you can create psychological safety for yourself. Nobody can take this away from you.
Once you realise all the emotional needs that you didn’t get in childhood have held you back or stunted your psychological and emotional development, you can take your power back and give yourself those emotional needs.
Because you’re no longer a helpless child leaning on unreliable people for safety and comfort. You’re a powerful adult now and you have everything you need within.
And as well as healing your inner child to find love, wholeness and worthiness, it will help you to find success too. It gives you the tools to nourish your heart and inner strength and self-trust to pursue your dreams.
Bear in mind that this is a process. I wrote an article on Elephant Journal on reparenting the inner child and one of the comments was: you make this sound so easy, so yes, you have to be honest with yourself here, and understand that this might take time. Especially, if you’ve got a lot of wounded pain, have been through childhood trauma and are very critical to yourself.
I was talking to a friend recently and they were saying that they experience this disconnect with their inner child and inner adult. They were saying that they were very critical to their inner child, and they struggle to connect with her because she’s so hard on herself.
Sometimes this unveiling can be painful, hurtful and can bring up a lot of pain. So be gentle with yourself here.
But what I will say is that we need to welcome the pain and welcome the feelings. Feelings don’t disappear because we ignore them or avoid them, it’s only after showing up to your feelings will they begin to dissolve into nothingness they once were. You might not think that’s possible, and to a degree we’re always going to feel pain, but it is possible to release the shackles of your wounded pain, and no longer let it control your life.
So, give yourself grace and take as much time as you need to return to this practice of nurturing your inner child. There’s no rush or competition here.
So what is the inner child?
The inner child is the childlike aspect of our personality that is full of innocence, awe, joy, playfulness and wonder. When our inner child feels loved we are in this state of bliss and we feel passion, playfulness and curiosity. Our inner child is our natural state and soul where we are creative, intuitive and have an ability to trust. So people who are connected to their inner child respond to life with curiosity and spontaneity.
Interestingly enough, I’ve always felt connected to my inner child and if you were to meet me in person, you’d see that I’m quite a bubbly and playful person. But people have often judged me for being different, quirky or random. But it turns out that all along, I was connected to my inner child.
So you might be able to relate to this, you might have a wild imagination or goofy character, but you hold yourself back from showing it because you fear that people will judge you for it.
Or, you might know someone who has this innate playful and spontaneous energy. They can let themselves go and be funny, silly and goofy. They have this attitude about them that they can move into quite easily and they’re good fun to be around.
Now, the reason why the inner child isn’t talked about as often as it is, is because in our society, many of us deny the wisdom and feelings that come from the child as we have established our identity through doing rather than being.
Traditionally, our culture has seen children less than adults – less important and less knowing. And as children we generally experienced ourselves as helpless and powerless, so we often dismiss the child.
In addition to that, we were so often told that we were bad, so we see our inner child as a troublemaker. So if we weren’t valued as children, or we didn’t feel seen, heard or understood for who we really were, it can be hard to feel the value of the child in us.
But what about softness and tenderness? Awareness and empathy? What about playfulness and curiosity?
Without these qualities that exist within us, how will we ever find our inner power and wisdom until we realise that these qualities are just as important?
And that’s what this is really about. The truth is, our inner child contains all the wisdom and answers we need. It’s not about looking outside of ourselves for answers. All of our answers are within.
Understanding this concept is essential for becoming whole.
Because we need feelings and wisdom to make decisions, without them, how would we be able to create alignment in our lives? Wisdom comes from the accumulation of emotional experiences stored as emotion. So we need our feelings to know whether something feels true or whether someone is right for us or not.
Yet in our society the inner child has been socially sanctioned. If we show vulnerability, emotion or sensitivity then we’re told that we need to ‘grow up’, ‘stop being sensitive’ and ‘move on’.
And by closing off the negative feelings of our inner child, we’re shutting down and abandoning ourselves.
This is why qualities like innocence, sensitivity, playfulness and wonder are not qualities that are highly valued in western society. And we’re taught to bury these traits in order to grow up.
When we choose to protect ourselves against experiencing the painful feelings of our inner child, our child is left feeling unloved, abandoned and deeply alone inside.
And this internal suppression of our inner child creates intense fear, guilt, shame, and chronic feelings of inner loneliness and unworthiness.
As a result, our inner child learns to fear being rejected, abandoned by our inner adult and the people around us.
So we self-sabotage by projecting our fears onto others, as we believe that others are generally rejecting or abandoning us.
But the truth is, we’re abandoning ourselves in the first place, by disconnecting from our inner child. So a really good example of this is that you might be dating someone new. Yet you fear getting too close to them, because you want to avoid being abandoned. And you want to avoid re-experiencing the unresolved pain of your mother abandoning you as a child.
So you might choose emotionally unavailable partners who don’t make you feel seen, you might become hyper-vigilant, or you might over emotionally invest in people to avoid being rejected or abandoned.
You think that by doing this, you’re protecting yourself from being abandoned, but you’re only abandoning yourself.
This means that our inner child is rejected, neglected, denied and abandoned, and ironically, we’re more likely to be abandoned by others.
But until we learn the lesson about not abandoning ourselves, this wound is going to keep cropping up until we learn the lesson.
So, how do you connect with your inner child?
Take deep, mindful breaths
Okay so the first step in connecting with your inner child is to take a few mindful deep breaths and become present with your body. Scan your body and notice any physical sensations or stress in your body. Perhaps you feel pulsations in your stomach, your shoulders are tight, or your heart is racing fast. Now, breathe into those sensations. Breathe into the stomach and the shoulders.
Breathe into your heart
And now you want to breathe into your heart and become present with your heart. Putting your hands on your heart stimulates oxytocin, often called the love hormone. Set the intention that you’re open to learning and connecting with your inner child. Because now we want to cultivate compassion to self-soothe our inner child.
Connect to your divine mother
Next, you want to imagine an older, wiser version of you 200 years from now and invite that loving and wiser version of you into your heart. This is your inner mother. Tell her “I invite your wisdom, love and compassion into my heart” and breathe in.
Listen to your body
The next step is tuning into the tightness of your shoulders, knot in your stomach, racing in your heart and lovingly asking your inner child about her feelings. Ask them what am I telling you? How am I treating you? What am I doing that’s causing sadness, tension or stress?
Listen to your inner child
Then go inside and let your inner child share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you. So she might say “you’re neglecting me, you’re putting everyone else before me and you’re abandoning me. You were hungry before but because your friend wasn’t hungry you denied your own needs to please her. For some reason, when you’re in groups of other people you numb out all of your wants, needs and desires. You’re afraid that you’re going to piss other people off with your needs. But you’re starving me. I feel neglected. I feel lonely and I feel out of control. I’m sad and depressed because you’re not prioritising me and I feel lonely and abandoned. I get anxious because you ignore my needs for hours. You make yourself small to make everyone else happy, but you’re depriving me. You ignore me and you’re not loving to me, so of course I feel anxious, depressed and alone”.
Once you’re starting to see how you’re experiencing yourself, now you want to go deeper into that wounded part of your inner child. How old do you think that part of you is who is neglecting you? Who taught her to neglect herself?
I’m 9 years old and my mother is angry at me. I’m walking in the woods and I’m hungry and thirsty, but my mother is walking 10 yards ahead of me. She’s ignoring me and I feel unwanted and unloved by my mother. I know that if I say anything she’ll be angry at me, so I’ll shut down and keep myself quiet. I’ll ignore my needs to look after myself, because I know that speaking up will set my mother off.
So there’s this 9 year old in charge of your life, ignoring your needs and neglecting you, because you’re afraid that it’s going to make others angry or unhappy with you. Is that why you struggle to speak up and ask for what you want? Because you’re afraid of people being unhappy with you?
Ask the 9 year old what does she believe about ignoring you and numbing out your needs? She believes that having needs is going to make other people angry or happy. But this is a false belief and none of this is true.
Dialogue with divine guidance
Now that she’s aware of her beliefs she can call in her higher guidance and ask what the truth is. What’s the wisdom here? What’s loving to me? So step into your higher self and ask her the question: is it true that having needs is wrong because it will make other people angry? Is it true that having needs are selfish and that it’s dangerous and unsafe for others to be unhappy with you?
And if she opens she’ll tell you that ignoring your needs is limiting you and making you neglect yourself. Thinking that having needs is needy, selfish or that it’s dangerous to make others unhappy with you is a false belief you’ve developed from your history of childhood challenges.
So ask yourself: what can I do to be more loving to myself?
Well it might be, let go of this false belief that it’s unsafe to have needs. Notice those body sensations when you feel thirsty, hungry or tired. Don’t ignore those sensations to make other people happy. You’re a sovereign entity, you’re an authentic being with original thoughts, feelings, needs and desires and it’s your birthright. It’s what makes you human.
Notice yourself when you’re neglecting yourself and observe the pains of your inner child. Those pains you feel are your inner child crying out for your attention to take care of her.
Listen to yourself
Then the next thing you want to do is to start doing it, so start listening to yourself when you have those needs. Don’t ignore it for 30 minutes, 1 hour or 2 hours to avoid rocking the boat and making everyone else happy. You’re only neglecting and diminishing yourself. Observe, listen and take love action to nurture and self-soothe your inner child.
And that’s really what this whole process is about. Connecting to your inner child. Listening to her. Asking her what she needs. Calling in your inner mother for wisdom and questioning the fears and false beliefs that are causing your inner child to feel pain. Then, taking loving action to nurture your inner child.
Finally, you want to tune into how you feel when you take care of yourself better with kindness, compassion and loving action.
Notice how you feel when you’re proactive in taking a solution-focused, psychological and therapeutic process to yourself.
Practice this daily. Continue this process of inner-intimacy until it becomes an intricate part of your life.
I’m so glad you’re on this journey with me and I want to say in closing after all you have survived, after everything you have endured, let today be the day, your inner mother says to your inner child, welcome home.
P.S I offer inner child healing, coaching and RTT to women and rising leaders who want to create more inner peace and inner power in their lives. If you’d like to work with me privately, fill out this form and I’ll be in touch.