how-to-recover-from-codependency

How To Recover From Codependency


Codependency isn’t something that you can overcome overnight. I’m going to be talking to you about what I wish I knew years ago! Here’s 7 steps to heal.

Here’s what I’m talking about today…

  • Why we abandon our relationship with ourselves
  • Saving yourself first 
  • Cultivating an inner sense of self worth


Codependency is the neurotic desire to merge your hopes, dreams, fears with another person.

Think about it…

You’re dating someone and in the early stages you’re over giving.

You feel guilty about saying no to a friend so you justify and explain yourself.

Or in your business, a prospective client barters with you and you say yes just to please them.

So, where does codependency come from?

Codependency derives from guilt and shame but that’s not the whole story.

That’s not even half the story.

To tell you the truth, it’s rooted in attachment trauma.

If we didn’t lovingly bond with our primary caregiver in the early stages of our life we developed attachment disorders.

As a result? We…

End up with a lack of self love and self worth.

Learn to survive by being the “nice” child and pleasing child.

Understand that to be “worthy” of love, we need to overachieve and impress.

So we become a human doing rather than a human being.

When it comes to relationships, we easily get lost in another human being. Their needs, dictate our choices.

Overtime, our thoughts, feelings and choices revolve around the other person and we start to abandon the relationship with ourselves.

The danger is that codependency can make you vulnerable to controlling and manipulative relationships.

If you want to feel free and empowered, it’s never too late.

The good news is that with awareness and willingness to change you can recover from codependency.

Change is not easy. There is no such thing as healing quickly. It takes time with these following 7 steps.

1. SAVE YOURSELF FIRST

When you’re codependent you experience an intense responsibility to help other people before yourself. When you spend your energy fixing others, not only does this keep you stuck  but it holds other people back too. It makes people more dependent on you and sends them the message that they’re not capable of overcoming their problems.

Do yourself a favour and save yourself first. When you focus on solving your own problems you’ll inspire people to take responsibility for their own lives. You’re doing a much better service when you focus on yourself first.

2. NOTICE WHEN YOU’RE FEELING GUILTY

Feelings of guilt are the hallmark of codependency. It’s likely that when you stood up for yourself growing up, you were guilt tripped and shamed by your parents.

Notice when you experience emotional flashbacks of guilt and understand that these aren’t healthy drivers for relationships. For example, if you’re dating someone and you feel guilty if you don’t say you’re laying the foundations of a codependent relationship.

3. PRACTICE SELF ASSERTIVENESS

Because the feelings of shame and guilt are so debilitating it makes self assertiveness impossible for a codependent.

As you start to make those feelings of guilt dictate your decisions less, self assertiveness will become easier.

Commit to start honouring yourself by communicating your feelings, opinions thoughts and needs. You have a right to express what you want without having to justify yourself.

When you start respecting yourself, others will respect you.

4. START SAYING NO

Giving away your power begins with saying yes when you mean no. It tells people that you’re always going to say yes to them and it makes people dependent on you.

You have to remember that other people’s requests are to fulfil their agenda and not yours. If people’s requests don’t serve your priorities or goals, don’t say yes to them. You have a right to say no.

5. KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS

If you’re prone to reacting to people’s drama or you feel dictated by your superego to help people, know that you’re being triggered. Make a commitment to pay attention to the things that trigger a wound in you such as guilt, shame, rejection and loneliness.

Once you know what your triggers are you can mediate the power they have over you. At the start of each day think of the things that could trigger you to react. Imagine the scenarios and think about how you’ll choose to respond.

For example, if you know that you felt guilt when you didn’t conform with the demands of someone you were previously dating, understand that this is unhealthy. If you’re continuing with the dating game, notice when you experience guilt. Take this as a sign to practice self loving care and walk away from a potential relationship that is based on guilt.

6. SET BOUNDARIES

It’s likely that in times of solitude, you’ve had insights about how people have influenced or manipulated you in ways that you failed to notice. When you’ve seen how people invaded your space or exploited you, you can put boundaries in place.

Take some time to write down the things that people did to manipulate or control you previously. Also think about the things that you did to overgive to others. These might be..

– People demanding for more attention from you

– Feeling manipulated to respond in a certain way

– Getting interrogated for not living up to your moral values

– Experiencing an intense responsibility to say yes or over give

– Being questioned about your decisions or choices

These are just some examples of your blurred boundaries. Make a commitment to honour yourself by setting boundaries. You’re not responsible for somebody else’s words or behaviour and you have a choice to set limits of how people treat you.

Never forget that you have a right to protect yourself.

7. PRACTICE SELF LOVE

Start loving yourself by accepting the unique individual that you are. Write down your strengths, qualities and be kind to yourself.

Notice when you’re changing who you are in order to receive validation from someone. Instead, choose self acceptance over validation. Remind yourself that being authentic to who you are is more important than being an emotional dildo for someone else’s needs.

Remember that you’re infinitely worthy and that you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone.

It’s time for you to honour yourself for your amazingness.

It’s time for you to take back your personal power.

With so much gratitude and appreciation,
Victoria XOXO

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