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10 Signs You’re Codependent


Do you give too much of your energy to people?

Do you value other people’s approval more than your own?

You could be codependent.

Codependency is a word that is used to refer to a tendency to let other people’s feelings dictate how we feel.

If you’ve ever been in a codependent relationship you’ll know what I’m talking about. You get so heavily invested in someone else that you can’t function independently anymore. As a consequence, you end up feeling anxious and drained.

Sound familiar? I thought as much. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here!

When you think about it. It’s quite scary. You’re letting someone else dictate how you feel. Yikes! You’re enabling someone else to control and manipulate you and you’re giving away your power. Double yikes!

The truth is you’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but your own. Anyone who tries to push your buttons or cross your boundaries has an addiction to drama.

Someone else’s drama is none of your business. You’re not responsible to heal their wounds. But we still try don’t we? We try to manage, fix and control.

We give people second chances and hoping that they’ll change. And we assume that by giving them more “love” they’ll stop.

But this is completely foolish because trying to control the feelings of others is impossible. We can’t make others change.

The other obvious problem is that by giving people too much attention, we’re enabling their drama addiction.

When someone is complaining, being over dramatic or catastrophising, they’re using control dramas to get our attention. If we give their behaviour attention by listening when we don’t want to, therapising or reacting, we’re supporting them to repeat their dysfunctional behaviour.

But why do they do this?

Ultimately, those with drama addiction feel insecure and unworthy when we’re not depending on them so they use control dramas to grab our attention and in some way, steal our energy.

Unsurprisingly codependency is rooted in childhood. It’s likely you learn’t that in order to be “worthy” of love, you needed to repress your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you compromised what you needed, wanted and you lost your identity.

So it’s only to be expected that once endeavouring your own relationships you’re paralysed with an internalised “program” that reminds you to put other’s needs first before your own.

If you want to feel free, empowered and find inner peace, it’s necessary for you to take responsibility. You can let go of codependency for good with awareness and a willingness to change.

But first you have to swallow the red pill and face reality. 

Here’s 10 signs that you’re codependent.

SIGN #1 AN INTENSE SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS

A clear sign of codependency is that you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings, needs and wants. You forget that you’re a seperate entity and you let other people’s feelings dictate what you say and do.

SIGN #2 YOU VALUE THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS MORE THAN YOURSELF

When you value the approval of others more than your own opinions, you end up second guessing your values. As a consequence, you compromise your self integrity and you give away your power.

SIGN #3 WEAK EGO BOUNDARIES

When you have weak ego boundaries, you’re laying the foundation of a codependent relationship. You don’t have the ability to stop people from invading your space. You’re also not able to not invade in other people’s space. For example, if you’ve disappointed someone by saying no to them, you have a pull to leap in and soothe them.

SIGN #4 PRONE TO FEELING GUILTY

You find it hard to set boundaries due to underlying feelings of guilt. If you’ve said no to someone, you’re likely to justify and explain your actions in an attempt to resolve your guilt.

SIGN #5 STRUGGLE SAYING NO

You say yes when you mean no, in order to avoid drama or hassle. This is a recipe for disaster because you’re allowing other people’s reactions dictate your choices. 

SIGN #6 DIFFICULTY WITH MAKING DECISIONS

You get frozen in decision often because you learn’t in childhood that to be “good enough” you need to put other people’s feelings first. The truth is you’re scared of not being accepted so you find it difficult to express what you want.

SIGN #7 YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO RECEIVE

If you’ve learn’t that to be “worthy” you need to put other’s needs first before your own, you find it difficult accepting compliments, gestures and gifts. You push away good things in your life because you don’t think you deserve them.

SIGN #8 YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT COMMUNICATING 

You have difficulty asserting your needs in relationships and when you do assert what you want, you tend to feel guilty afterwards. When this is the case you’re more likely to bend and fold ourselves to accommodate what we think others want.

SIGN #9 HATING GOODBYES AND FEARING ABANONDMENT

You have intense fears of losing a relationship and being abandoned. As a consequence, you’ll stay in an unhealthy relationship because the pain of being abandoned is greater than staying in an unhealthy relationship.

SIGN #10 YOU HAVE FAKE MORALITY

In order for a codependent or emotionally abusive relationship to lock together the codependent needs to have a fake morality. When you think that you’re “doing the right thing” or “being the bigger person” you’re actually acting out repetition compulsion. “Repetitive what?” I hear you say…

Well, it’s more than likely that you’re repeating and playing out neurotic, addictive and unhappy relationships that were forced onto you from neglect in childhood. This can be a difficult pill to swallow, but necessary if you want to move on from your history.

Recognising the signs that you’re codependent is the first step towards change.

Most of us get overwhelmed and detached when we’re being interrogated, manipulated and controlled by others. This is because we’ve learnt to ignore our feelings and detach from reality.

Once you’re fully aware of this, you can start to notice the signs within yourself and make a commitment to changing your behaviour.

If someone makes you feel guilty and you pursue a relationship out of guilt, you’re being codependent.

If someone gives you drama and you have an instinct to leap in and help, you’re being codependent. 

See what I mean?

Next time someone gives you control dramas, accept your lack of responsibility for their drama addiction and disengage. Move on. Once you do this, you’re on the road to recovery.

You can focus on what’s more important and that’s lovingly accepting yourself. You can start practicing self love by saying no, putting your needs first, asking for what you want and setting boundaries.

When you practice self love and establish a close relationship with yourself, you’ll stop relying on others to make you feel good or bad. Self worth comes from within and you don’t need people’s approval to feel worthy. 

Freedom, empowerment and inner peace is available to you if you choose to accept it.

It’s time to let go of codependency and it’s time for you to shine.

With so much gratitude and appreciation,
Victoria XOXO

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